I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
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We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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