If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
