You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
