areolas are like halos for boobs.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
