You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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