Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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