Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
It's Friday. Sex?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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