clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
