it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
