no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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