We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
