I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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