Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
