Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
