im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
