I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
