Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
