took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
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You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
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I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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