just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
