Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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