Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
