you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
