I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
