I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
