I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
