Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
