new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
