I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
