saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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