You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
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think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
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I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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