Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
