my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
