I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
