i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
