So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
