when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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