On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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