I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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