you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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