I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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