Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
