here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
