you traded sex for a burrito?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
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"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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