Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize