For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
