I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Randomize
