My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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