Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
