I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dick has a subreddit
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
