Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize