I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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