I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
