I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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