My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
