Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there's paper in my vomit.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sorry about my life...
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
