my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
