when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
