My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
