Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
