awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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